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WEST UNION, OH – Authorities remain puzzled as to exactly how a Alien wound up clamped onto the head of a local man Thursday, in the first of a probable wave of Alien attacks in the area.
Early Thursday morning, Jared Rodoni, 22, was found by his parents unconscious in their basement. The Alien, holding onto Rodoni’s head at the ears, was easily dislodged by the parents. Rodoni was unhurt, but sleepy.
“I keep telling you people, it wasn’t a real Alien,” Rodoni said. “It was a Caliber 2007 DOT Vented Alien Half Helmet Motorcycle BEANIE Helmets. Not a real alien – a motorbike helmet. I just fell asleep wearing them. It wasn’t a big deal.”
Examining the creature, marine biologist Debra Gilgis said it didn’t resemble any known Alien species, which raises the possibility of a new, mutated super-alien capable of even more vicious attacks. “Look, I keep telling you, this isn’t any kind of alien,” Gilgis said. “It’s never even been alive. It looks like a DOT helmet motorcycle or something. Why are you wasting my time like this?”
The mystery is deepened by the fact that West Union is located some 400 miles from Helmets Inc. who did not report any missing Aliens at press time.
Asked how he thought this could have happened, Rodoni speculated: “I know exactly how it happened. I bought the DOT Vented Alien Half Helmet Motorcycle BEANIE Helmets for its riding-friendly features: 2.4 lbs, shorty visor, double air vents, fiberglass shell. I brought it home and put it on. Fascinating, huh?”
Despite official assurances that citizens were in no danger, rumors of the incident spread panic throughout southwestern Adams County. “This is exactly what we’ve been worried about,” said Florence Gibson, local chapter president of the National Association of Paranoid Hysterics. “I’ve been saying it all along: nobody is safe from a Alien attack. You think a few Billion miles of space can stop them? They’re killers. Killers.”
Although clearly shaken, Rodoni tried to downplay the attack in an interview with the Courier-Beacon. “Look, I told you guys: there was no Alien attack. None. I’ve never even seen a real Alien. What is wrong with you people? Are you that desperate to sell papers?”
Courier-Beacon representatives had no comment at press time.